Fathers: to suck or not to suck.

Hey there fucking assholes <3


Sooo... Life has been way too exciting for writing here and even though I've thought about just dropping off some thoughts, I decided not to.


Wish I had though. I've done so many things the last months and it doesn't make sense to write them down now. Guess that'll wait till a day when I am reminded of it again.


And with no further comments I will start my complaining. 


Have you ever felt unloved? And extremely confused? Everybody have probably been confused but I'm talking about this confusion about feelings. Oh boy. I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy, sad angry or something else!


See, I broke up with my boyfriend (yes, I had a boyfriend. Don't look so surprised, I have big boobs. Yes, I have big boobs.), got an A in my final and my father is being an idiot.


Happy, sad and angry. 


But I guess I'm like tinkerbell, or any fairy as a matter of fact. I can only contain one feeling at a time. 


Right now it is sadness, but it switches places with happiness because I have such nice friends distracting me.


The sadness is mostly because of my father. It's just that he has changed a lot lately. I don't recognize him anymore. He's just.. Not him. 


He took an awful decision recently. My sister is finishing her what-ever-it-is-called. It's like a college. And I am finishing what is like high school. He decided to take my sister out eating with the rest of the family on the day I graduate. I cannot go because of this dinner with my class, which he should be attending to as well. So should the rest of my family. But as it seems now, it's only my mother and I who will be attending. Sucks.


He also decided not to join my sister's real party, which explains why he have to have dinner with her earlier. And all of this because his girlfriend doesn't like my mother. I mean, come on! She might be his girlfriend, but if she don't want to go, why can't he? Is that too much to ask of him?


He's hurting everybody else the way it looks now, so I really hope that he'll change it. And perhaps he will. 


But my true wish is for him to stop chancing because of his girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, she is very nice, but I don't like the way she walks in and messes up a well balanced family. (My parents got divorced long ago, if you're wondering) She should be the one adjusting to our rhythm. Not the other way around. She doesn't even like it when my mother is at my father's house. Because she lived there once. She knows the place. Seriously, what the fuck? Okay, so my mother lived here once, but that shouldn't matter. If she is that uncomfortable staying in a house where my mom lived, it shouldn't have been her that moved. It should have been my father. But since it wasn't, she'll just have to get used to it. 


Why can't she just realize that my mother isn't a threat? She have her own boyfriend and they've been together for six years! Really, my mother is harmless. And she only wants everyone to be happy. My father is the one crossing the line when he don't stand up to his girlfriend and his girlfriend is breaking the stepmother rules. (Working on them)


I just want them to be there for me and my sisters because this comes with being a father and not doing that he isn't doing his 'job' right. 


xoxo Clara

10 things I hate about you

I hate the way you make me yell
And the way you make me small
I hate the way you defense yourself
I hate it when you growl


I hate it when you crack my mask
And the way you make me feel
I hate how you're always right
even in my dreams


I hate what you expect of me
I hate it when you speak
But most of all I hate that you're not satisfied
And never will be

Before I get too emotional

One of my friends tried to commit suicide yesterday. And failed. 


She took way too many pills and ended up on the hospital. Even though she keep telling me that she's fine, I'm so very sure that she's not. That she's hiding her true feelings. And I knew that before she even tried to do it. 


I'm not angry at her. I'm not disappointed. I'm just.. Empty. I don't know how to react, how to tackle it.

In the past I've been saying things like: "Why can't she just understand that we're here for her? Why don't she get it?" I would never, ever spend my time with someone I don't like, because I pity them. I would not listen to a person's problems or talk them out of suicide if I don't like them. I'm busy, why should I waste my time on things like that? Yes, I've had days when I wasn't sure if what she wanted was to end her own life or get attention. It's an awful thought, but it's true. I've had days when I just ignored the texts she send me or days when I was very close just writing: "Go ahead. Do it. You've already chosen that I don't care anyway." But I didn't. Just in case. 


I remember one day when she left school early without saying anything, she just left. I knew why. I knew that she wanted to be alone, I knew that the darkness was surrounding her and that she couldn't handle it. I was so close going to her place when my classes ended with Ben and Jerry's ice cream to cheer her up. But I didn't do it. 'Cause I had no idea what I would be walking in on. (in on, haha) I did not want to find her, fresh wounds on her arms, crying. I did not want to see the blade she used, nor smell the vomit. I decided to stay home but I'm pretty sure I send her a text. 


Back then I had no idea how to handle the scars, and I still don't. I find myself joking about it even though I know how serious it is. But how am I supposed to handle so much angst and self-pity? So much fear and so many tears? Me. I can't handle that. Sometimes I believe that I would be better of with a "I'm fine" instead of the whole story but I don't like not knowing either. 


But that's a different story. 


I believe that suicide is a very selfish act and I have no idea why people would do that. I do not believe that suicide is a relief. 


And one more thing. I don't feel sorry for whose who commit suicide but for those left behind. 


I started this out saying that I wasn't angry, that I wasn't disappointed. But that doesn't mean that I've forgiven you. In one of my other blogposts I've written: 

I can't forgive you. I won't forgive you. You're scaring me, god damn it. Every single time I see you I'm checking your arms, checking how many scars that is covering your arms. You're out of control. You're messing up MY everyday and I hate it. But I care to fucking much to let you go.

There's more angst in that than in ANY other post I've ever written. Ever. And that's still me. I'm still checking your arms, it's still fucking up my everyday, and I still don't know if I'm able to forgive you. I'll end up doing it but after this I'll probably work even more on my bulletproof heart and make sure that another suicide attempt won't make me cry. I'll still trust you, of course I will, and you'll still be able to talk to me about everything.


You made my mask crack yesterday and I'm working hard to repair it before I get too emotional.


Mood:  .....
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing
Listening to: my keyboard 
Reading: this