Before I get too emotional

One of my friends tried to commit suicide yesterday. And failed. 


She took way too many pills and ended up on the hospital. Even though she keep telling me that she's fine, I'm so very sure that she's not. That she's hiding her true feelings. And I knew that before she even tried to do it. 


I'm not angry at her. I'm not disappointed. I'm just.. Empty. I don't know how to react, how to tackle it.

In the past I've been saying things like: "Why can't she just understand that we're here for her? Why don't she get it?" I would never, ever spend my time with someone I don't like, because I pity them. I would not listen to a person's problems or talk them out of suicide if I don't like them. I'm busy, why should I waste my time on things like that? Yes, I've had days when I wasn't sure if what she wanted was to end her own life or get attention. It's an awful thought, but it's true. I've had days when I just ignored the texts she send me or days when I was very close just writing: "Go ahead. Do it. You've already chosen that I don't care anyway." But I didn't. Just in case. 


I remember one day when she left school early without saying anything, she just left. I knew why. I knew that she wanted to be alone, I knew that the darkness was surrounding her and that she couldn't handle it. I was so close going to her place when my classes ended with Ben and Jerry's ice cream to cheer her up. But I didn't do it. 'Cause I had no idea what I would be walking in on. (in on, haha) I did not want to find her, fresh wounds on her arms, crying. I did not want to see the blade she used, nor smell the vomit. I decided to stay home but I'm pretty sure I send her a text. 


Back then I had no idea how to handle the scars, and I still don't. I find myself joking about it even though I know how serious it is. But how am I supposed to handle so much angst and self-pity? So much fear and so many tears? Me. I can't handle that. Sometimes I believe that I would be better of with a "I'm fine" instead of the whole story but I don't like not knowing either. 


But that's a different story. 


I believe that suicide is a very selfish act and I have no idea why people would do that. I do not believe that suicide is a relief. 


And one more thing. I don't feel sorry for whose who commit suicide but for those left behind. 


I started this out saying that I wasn't angry, that I wasn't disappointed. But that doesn't mean that I've forgiven you. In one of my other blogposts I've written: 

I can't forgive you. I won't forgive you. You're scaring me, god damn it. Every single time I see you I'm checking your arms, checking how many scars that is covering your arms. You're out of control. You're messing up MY everyday and I hate it. But I care to fucking much to let you go.

There's more angst in that than in ANY other post I've ever written. Ever. And that's still me. I'm still checking your arms, it's still fucking up my everyday, and I still don't know if I'm able to forgive you. I'll end up doing it but after this I'll probably work even more on my bulletproof heart and make sure that another suicide attempt won't make me cry. I'll still trust you, of course I will, and you'll still be able to talk to me about everything.


You made my mask crack yesterday and I'm working hard to repair it before I get too emotional.


Mood:  .....
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing
Listening to: my keyboard 
Reading: this