I need you to hold me up and even though I don't talk to you that often I need you in my life in order to keep my hopes up. I know that clinging to you is a stupid wish of eternity but without you, my everyday just doesn't make sense. Without you I have no reason to live. 'Cause then there'll be no reason for anything. People die every single day and if you're not there I can't go on. I need a reason. I need to know.
God be my temple. I will fail without you.
I do believe in God. I doubt his existence every single day but I'm positive on the same time. Is that even possible? I feel that believing in God is something I do because I'm too weak to stand by myself. Which means that I don't tell people often. I hate to seem weak and I spend most of my time hiding at least one of my feelings from others. I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I know that believing in God isn't a sign of you being weak but I keep telling myself that. I wish to be an atheist but I not. I can't just choose not to believe in God. It's not that simple. Nothing is.
Sometimes I wish I was more independent. I wish I was able to let go of him. To accept that he most likely doesn't exist. That he's something created by humans. But I'm not ready yet. Will I ever be?
When big disasters happen I find it hard to belie that he's there. I have no idea why he would let that many people die, let children loose their parents in such a cruel way. I wanted to write war to one of the things I don't understand but I don't believe that God is responsible for that. I don't believe that God is controlling our every move. We're individuals and are responsible for our acts. But humans are not to blame for some disasters. Then who is?
Mood: slightly confused
Eating: a tomato
Drinking: nothing
Listening to: BarlowGirl - You led me
Reading: nothing
